Holding on as tight as you can to inspiration

Without sounding smug, London 2012 confirmed something I already knew.

- That sport seems to have a power like no other to make individuals more aspirational, more inspired, more motivated, more connected with people they've never connected with before. It can not only only give an individual a feeling of belonging and pride, it can give that to an entire country.

The London 2012 Olympics and Paralympics changed without a doubt, the way the UK saw itself, saw disability and ability... the way it saw sport.
It took the genre out of cynicism, of stories of corruption, of tribal fighting and drinking culture, of being about just money and took it back to it's roots and stripped sport to it's core. It showed as Seb Coe said, that: "In every Olympic sport there is all that matters in life. Human's stretching themselves to the limit of their ability". It brought together nations in friendship and within the UK itself, neighbourhoods together in friendship too.
From the local boys and girls carrying the Olympic Flame to it's destination to the local heroes being called on by that flame to excel in every way possible. For us, in the United Kingdom, we united as a country to see triumph we never thought possible. And everyone had a hero of their own to inspire them, be them learning to ride their bike on the same velodrome as Wiggo, or be them from the same place as the triumphant county of Yorkshire.

On Monday, during the Greatest Team Parade, sadness this incredible summer had ended was palpable. People were asking - "what now?" The Olympics and Paralympics have been like a drug our country has had the most incredible high from. But the side effects could be even better than the drug itself.


Athletes can become heroes or heroines to inspire people to take part in sport. But they wouldn't have become those incredible individuals they are, had they not been part of the participation pool, that gives so much satisfaction on a basic level, but also creates new heroes and heroines for the future.

There is a sadness to the ending of what has been the most incredible summer of sport. Sport of the best kind, of sportsmanship, pure tireless work and training, of focus, of drama and intensity and athletes putting their bodies on the line to represent their country and do the jersey on their back justice.

But London 2012 can already say: "Generation Inspired."

The question is, how will that translate into grass routes level participation?
Well I can only tell you my personal story of one particular athlete, who is a London 2012 Olympic Gold medalist and how she has inspired me to take on a very particular challenge to raise awareness for Epilepsy.


Joanna Rowsell is an Olympian and like another hero of mine Dai Greene, she is an Olympian with a medical condition. When I first saw Jo take to the boards at a world championship I remember vividly wondering if she had cancer? Her performance was astounding and like the misunderstandings there are with epilepsy, I misunderstood Jo's medical condition, alopecia.
I'm ashamed I thought that Jo's alopecia was the result of side effects of cancer, but then I had never heard of alopecia. Because of Jo, I ended up researching the condition and to me, she is the perfect example of how you create awareness through inspiration, rather than ignorance and self stigmatisation through a role model's fear of exposing their condition.
She has never worried about removing her helmet to stand on a podium (usually the top step I might add), where her condition is in full view for everyone to see and for young people with the same condition, to see and be inspired and to have a specific role model of their own to relate to.


But I don't have alopecia, I have epilepsy. So how did Jo inspire me I hear you ask?

Well, she inspired me for two reasons, I could relate hugely to feeling like I shouldn't be ashamed to show signs of my own condition. In my case, it's the white streak on the right hand side of my head where I had my neurosurgery and my purple medical bracelet I wear 24/7.
But Jo inspired me as a female cyclist too. At the Olympic track cycling test event in the Stratford Velodrome, I saw great courage, courage of pushing yourself to the absolute limit. I was a field of play volunteer within the velodrome when Jo rode one of her toughest events, the individual pursuit. She showed her guts, quite literally, pushing herself to the point of being sick. But she also won the race.

The absolute commitment to that particular race made me think even more seriously about my own time trial of a different kind - trying to break the women's 24hr track cycling WR.


I'm very thankful I managed to make it up onto a wall near Charing Cross Station during my lunch hour, to send her a personal message on Monday during the parade. I'd actually made a bit of a hash of what I had planned to do - to salute her with my Olympic Torch personally, so I wrote a message on a board instead and proudly held it high, wearing my Olympic Torchbearer uniform in the process. My torch was in the window of the jewellery shop who had so kindly donated a necklace to my charity Epilepsy Action. Unfortunately I hadn't realised the shop was shut on the day, so it all almost went a bit Pete Tong!

But the athletes representing us during London 2012, deserve all the cheers and thanks we can give them. From me - thanks to Jody Cundy for pointing me out to Jo in the crowd, as they stood on their float lapping up the applause for their incredible achievements.


There was however, one notable absence in the parade and you could argue, the Olympics only took a few days to create it's first legacy. One of personal inspiration and self belief - Andy Murray becoming the first British man in 76 years to the day, to win a major tennis title.
Andy beat Novak Djokovic in five sets to win the US Open only a couple of weeks after winning Olympic Gold and Silver in London.


I hope the attitude towards sport in this country changes every generations view of it. The likes of Jo has showed exactly how to be an inspiration and lead by an example of physical achievement which no-one can dispute. She's let her legs do the talking.

My only worry is that apparently the world is going to end in 2012!

So to whoever is responsible for this can I ask you a favour...
Please make sure you let us see BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2012 first, before you wipe us all out.

Many thanks,

Katie, age 6.
... plus 20.

A question or disability or ability?

Our super-humans, Team GB, portraying disability in the inspirational light it can be...

But is it a good thing or a bad thing?

There are 2 arguments, does it create an 'us and them' scenario, or does is show the resilience that disability creates in people and inspire disabled people themselves to be the best they could ever be...
Does it inspire a disabled generation too?

To look at me, you would think I am an able-bodied person with no disabilities. But I'm not. You might think I was just normal, but then I would ask, what is normal?

I don't know anyone who is normal, I think we've all got some form of disability, no matter how mild it might be. The medical conditions that create disability aren't finite, they have a range, varying severities. You could make an argument to say Usain Bolt himself is disabled when it comes to long distance running, even the USA Basketball team are all likely to be classed as having the disability, "giantism".

So in a way, the media could portray to everyone an us and them scenario, but then, they wouldn't be portraying disability.

There's a reason I have waited to post about this, till the Olympics were finished and the Paralympics started. It's to make this point: Paralympians are no less ordinary than Olympians and in the same vein, what people may have failed to notice is that Olympians may be, or will likely be disabled under certain circumstances just as much as Paralympians could be.

There are obvious examples, Dai Greene, Joanna Rowsell and Jo Hopkins all have medical conditions and therefore would be classed as disabled, but they are all able bodied.
The more discrete examples could be of extreme strength causing delicate skill issues, extreme speed causing endurance problems or the other way around. Many athletes could have dyslexia or even mental health issues, but would you consider them just as disabled as Paralympians?


The answer, so it's fits into an easy box to sell, is we probably would consider obvious disability to be different. The reality is that we shouldn't, neither should we look to Paralympians as the model for disabled people to be. We don't expect that of able bodied people in relation to Olympians.

What we should do however is consider this, every person has a right to access sport, or any other pursuit they wish. Paralympians are physically no more or less extra-ordinary than Olympians, in the same way that people with disabilities are no more or less physically extra-ordinary than people without disability. We just use a different scale to measure each individual by and it's as huge as the scale by which every individual will be disabled in some way, in a particular scenario.


What we have to take away from the Olympics and Paralympics is this. If ever we needed inspiration be it a young girl from Sheffield, watching Jess Ennis win the Olympic heptathlon, or be it a young boy who is a arm amputee watching Jon Allan Butterworth pick up 2 Silver medals in the Velodrome, we can all relate to someone. Even if it because of a fellow countryman we all have someone we can relate to and inspire us to be the best we can be. It maybe not in sport, but just in life.


The one thing sport and indeed disability teaches us is how to overcome, be it an injury, life threatening or otherwise, disability or not, we can all take inspiration from the resilience it took our hero or heroine, to achieve the incredible feat they have by competing in the Olympics and Paralympics.
They might have a recognised disability, they might not, but it doesn't mean they aren't able to be one of, if not the, best in the world at what they do.


We all have something were good at, it might be our job, our hobby, a special skill...
- so why don't we aspire to be the best in the world?


The answer to the question:
Ability.

What do you do once you've carried the Olympic Flame?

So what on earth do you do to top carrying the Olympic Flame?

Answer: Don't bother trying, unless you're going to be a future Olympian!


The real answer, you try and come down from the high of doing it, savour it, honour the faith in your nomination to do it and use the torch as a force for good.

So how will that work?

Well I guess I could have stopped the blog on the high of carrying the Olympic Flame, having my Olympic Torch to look at to inspire me, taken it on a tour to try and inspire others. But it's not within me, not to aim for more - my personal best.
This is the start of a new chapter in the life of the Epileptic Ultra Cyclist. When there is more to do, more importantly, when there is more I feel I can do, I don't want to look back and say, "maybe I didn't give my best?" Or "what if?"

I always felt I was a flash in the pan in relation to the Olympic Torchbearer honour, but I want to satisfy myself that I was never going to be that kind of Olympic Torchbearer. Partly for my own personal targets, but also because I have the opportunity to do something with my bike for Epilepsy awareness and I would never want to throw that away.

Charities in this country don't have the budget for big PR campaigns, positive campaigns as apposed to bad press about Epilepsy related deaths of children of high profile individuals.
There are a handful of amazing role models, of which I am never likely to be able to ever emulate, but I can do something - and something is worth the effort.


The new chapter for me now, is a 2 year £60,000 project, of cycling records, cycling firsts, extreme endurance, finding sponsors and finance, a huge amount of training without jeopardising my job and finally being able to say: "If someone with Epilepsy can cycle 3000 miles in less than 2 weeks, then why can't they have a desk job?"


Epilepsy is a very bespoke condition, but every sufferer shares a common enemy of the condition's stigma. Getting rid of that, would make life so much easier for people with Epilepsy.
- For my friends, for people I constantly meet with the condition and ultimately it will come to pass I believe, that people with Epilepsy can show their true colours.


There's no way I could single handedly tackle the stigma across the world, but even if it saves one person's life who may have died from SUDEP, that it allows one employer to see the light re the condition and allow one person with Epilepsy to flourish...

Then that sounds pretty good to me.

The Diary of an Epileptic Olympic Torchbearer

I was originally planning to write a post on the day I was due to carry the Olympic flame. But doing that, wouldn't have conveyed well enough my experience of what it was like to carry the most sacred symbol in sport, on it's destination to the London 2012 Olympic stadium, with my torch.

It's difficult to take in the enormity of what I had done on the 26th of July 2012, I was in autopilot. Only after I was able to sit alone, quietly with my torch and reflect on what I had done, am I able to explain how I felt. 

It was truly a day like no other in my life, it felt like 2 days in one. This was in part due to being required to be at my meeting point in Camden at 4:45am, so I had been up since 3:00am running on excitement, adrenaline and pride for the rest of the day. (I had a very early bed time, the night before!) But seeing the sun come up in the morning and people gradually begin to appear to see the flame go through London, was amazing.

One of the most amusing parts of the day was actually, after messing about going to the toilet, I ended up being the last on the bus that would drop us off where we would start our run. Seeing a seat toward the back of the bus, I sat down. As I sat down I turned to my right to chat to who I was sitting with, stunned as I realised it was Sir Clive Woodward!

After getting off the bus at the corner I would pick the flame up from, what hit me, I can't even begin to describe. It was 07:04am in the morning and there was a wall of people cheering, shouting my name.

Actually running with the flame was a bit of a blur. The way I describe it is a blur, but the most incredible blur I've ever experienced in my life.

One thing that caused some confusion amongst those of my friends who watched the coverage on the online BBC feed, was something that I had planned for a while - to dust down the painted bike on the bike lane in my leg. Not as anything meant to be particularly quirky, but just because I wanted to do something that symbolised how important cycling has been in my life.

Watching the ceremony the night after gave me context to the whole event. It was an incredible feeling of belonging to a hugely privileged group of people, who were able to be part of something, much bigger. The communities that supported the flame round the country, the symbolism of what it means, the enormity of being part of an Olympic Games in helping to deliver safely, the flame that would call on athletes around the world to compete in 2012.

People keep asking me if I would sell my torch - the one I know, I carried the Olympic flame with and no-one else.

My answer: Not for all the money on gods earth.

Having something which inspires you to do more, that's 3 sides represents aiming higher, faster, stronger and most importantly, something which I can give to others to hold and hope it inspires them to do the same is just something that money cannot buy.

There is only one way I can describe that day and having my Olympic Torch sitting next to me now. 

- Truly incredible beyond belief.

I did have one major objective however, which I mentioned before. 

- That I would thrust the torch up in the air showing my purple medical band, to make sure people with Epilepsy knew, that I was carrying the flame for them, more than anyone else.

All I can say is, 

- Mission accomplished.

7 days

It's amazing the difference a week, 7 days, or 168 hours can make.

Last week was a low point for a number of reasons.
I felt down, defeated, like I couldn't face things I had enjoyed as normal and in essence I felt like karma wasn't looking kindly on me, that things just weren't going for me.

Many of the things didn't and haven't changed, but none of them were in my control, so I also felt helpless. I believe sometimes you just have to go back to your default setting to pick yourself up again.
But I also realised something this week. Something I had never thought of before when I tried to cheer up others, who were down or upset.
When someone is trying to pick themselves up from what they are feeling and where they are, it doesn't work for people to tell the individual that everything will be okay, that they're doing a great job etc.

That individual has to find whatever it is that makes them believe in themselves.


Had it not been for one tiny thing, I think I would have completely written myself off that weekend and sometimes you just have to look back and laugh, otherwise you'd just end up in bits.
The one thing for me, it probably won't surprise you to know, that helps me believe in myself again is my bike. But I know I've had a really bad weekend, when I get attacked by a bus and end up tearing into my shin with the teeth on my crank-set, after flying onto the pavement.
- This was on the way back from a ride to clear my head!
I sat on a wall in Trafalgar Square with a British Cycling jersey on, re-hydrating myself and there was a little boy who couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 sat across from me. What he did not only made me smile inside and out, I was having a fair giggle to myself too. He beamed at me and gave me a thumb up. It was the sweetest, best timed thing I'd seen. But it was also very funny as, no sooner had he done it, than he promptly stuck said thumb up his nose!

I guess you take the good with the bad and it was a day of ups and downs, but very much like life really. Karma only exists if you look for it, life is never perfect, it wasn't meant to be.

To those who said to me: "Saying it will all be okay - doesn't help!". I understand why now. It doesn't mean we shouldn't say it, give support and any insight we can to comfort people.
But I would just say one thing to anyone who has a patch it their life that is rough or if they feel down in any way.


When everything becomes locked up inside you - tension, anger, frustration, fear, upset... the best way to release it and get back to who you are is sometimes just to scream.

But it doesn't involve going out into the street and yelling at the top of your voice. I was incredibly lucky that I found, my way to get back to normal, was for my legs to scream at my bike pedals and keep going until my legs went numb. That feeling of racing along a road freed me inside enormously.
For someone else who is a dancer, their 'scream' might be to put every inch of feeling into the movement in a routine, for an artist it could be to let out all their emotions on a canvas in paint, for a singer it could be to hit the highest note they can possibly do, for an academic, it could be to lock themselves away and write, for a musician, it could be to play their instrument like they've never played it before.

I think if you can find the way you best express yourself, however that is, going back to that and driving all your feelings in that direction, can give you back your strength, even give you strength you did know you ever had.

I think when you get that strength back and can give your head space to think, you get perspective.


I look back on last week and laugh at what happened in hindsight. It did work out okay, so I look forward and I'm sure I'll have more periods where I feel I haven't the strength to do something and need to go back to my bike.


As for the bus...
Well I held onto my bike for dear life so as not to damage it and ended up taking the lump out of my shin instead.

But the scars healed quickly and I got back on the bike and rode it the day after...
... and every other day since.

The Hurt Locker

I think people lock things up and suffer because they feel the alternative is worse.

I think sometimes sufferers are afraid of what people will say, that they'll talk behind their backs, that they are made to feel they need to keep some things in the family or not explain the way they are.

I'm ashamed to say it took a number of very brave people to talk about what I'm about to talk about, before I had the strength to do it now too.


For years I had suffered from mild depression as a result of a history of school bullying and bullying from my own step-mother. Whist on an Anti-Epileptic Drug (AED) for a period of months, I went through severe depression where I didn't even recognise the person I was looking back. I nearly failed my second year of university because of the side effects. Lethargic, uninspired, angry, with no real insight in to my behaviour, I demanded to be taken off the drug only after I also suffered nausea as a result of it. It's the only time I can honestly say I was glad to have the latter side effect as it was that, that made me want to change my medication, not realising my personality was self destructive on it.

The only silver lining is I became more self aware as a result. I began to analyse the way I behaved more, I realised that something wasn't right and knew I needed to get help to fix it.

The other thing that came out of the episode was I began to help myself too. I became an amateur behavioural psychologist in a way, understanding why I had grown up as a target for bullies and what legacy that left on me.


There was a change in my life. I sought treatment and examined more how I could help myself too.

But it was a lesson I learnt, that made me worry. It made me worry because I know severe depression is a serious danger for people with Epilepsy. It's something that does cause tragic deaths in people who experience it. It's the double whammy of the condition and the side effects on top of it.

I strongly believe people with Epilepsy need to be honest with those around them if they feel they may be experiencing depression because of their AED's... and to those around them - make sure you check they're okay too.


The old expression "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is so true. You learn about yourself, you change to live a more fulfilling life and you hopefully go on to make sure those you recognise having the same feeling you had, know about the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's not an easy jump to make to seek treatment, but it's one so very worth taking and grabbing with both hands. It could be from a Doctor, it could even be something like CBT, self administered with some help from a friend or family member.


To those that 'came out' about their condition, thank-you for inspiring me to write this and talk about my own experience with depression.

To those that may think they could have depression - make the jump.

- There's a huge safety net for you to dive into. People rally, provide support, don't judge and when you do and when you get back on dry land from the net, you'll realise it's a much better place than it was before.

Tonight, we are young

I think many young people who are at school or even university are in a rush to grow up. On the one hand I can empathise with them, on the other I envy them, as they have a clean slate and the opportunity not to make the mistakes that I made at their age. I think my little sister for example can get higher grades at university, can do more than I did when I was her age, go out more, travel more etc.

But on the other hand, I completely empathise with people who want to get their school and university career in particular, over with. I hated academia, I was never good at it and had the attention span of a goldfish. I loved the sport aspect of being at university, it was the biggest highlight for me, more even than the social side. But when it came to large amounts of reading I struggled as I have my whole life. 

It all stems as most things have in my life, from my Epilepsy and the continuous Petit-mal Auras I had numerous times on a daily basis. 

But I would like to stay in my mid 20s for a good while longer and relish the age I am. It's a point in my life where I feel more independent, feel like I am doing something worthwhile and am enjoying my life outside work too. 

There is an interesting social aspect to my life however that wouldn't be something that someone would expect someone with Epilepsy to enjoy. I am safe drinking alcohol, be it on hockey socials or out with my friends in a club or bar. I also, like the majority of people with Epilepsy, have no issues with strobe lighting, so thoroughly enjoy clubbing. 

I'm sure in my 30s I will look back at my 20s and think I should have done things differently and probably wished I wasn't as keen to grow up. But then I thought, like many people in their teens, that I would be getting married and having kids in my mid 20s. I couldn't even begin to think about that as a realistic idea now I am there, but when I was a teenager I thought my mid to late 20s was fairly a mature and old age. 

How time flies!

It was a big achievement for me to be the youngest British female to complete RAAM across all categories. But again it was also a learning experience.

I think your teens and 20s should be a time when you can be relaxed, eventually settle down be it in work, in a relationship or in life generally, but that you should never wish the time away. I have an issue of looking to far forward to the next thing I will do. Sometimes that's an attribute, but in many cases, I wish I could stop and appreciate the present more. I think if I'm not careful I will spend so much time planning what I am going to do next, that I will miss out on absorbing the amazing experiences I am going through at the moment. 

The irony with many, especially those who had a more difficult young life be it through Epilepsy or something else, is this. If you spend your life wishing you could have done your time at work quicker to be more senior in a job, be older to be able to get married or have kids, get out of a situation like school, by the time you get to the point in your life where it happens, you've missed out on what you did to get there.

There's a great quote from the TV series Sex in the City: "Your 20s are to make your mistakes, your 30s are to learn your lessons and your 40s are to pay for the drinks."

I think it's a great motto to live your life by however I would simply say:

You're only young once: Be reckless, fun, crazy, in love, out of love, energised, make mistakes, be inspired, learn a bit...... you can always grow up later.