Thursday 22 May 2014

Day 5: Remembering who you really are

I find it amazing how the simplest things give me inspiration for writing these blogs. Tonight it was my flatmate and I, just talking about starting to listen to music again after we felt rubbish for a particular reason.
I remember when I hit rock bottom, during the time I suffered from severe depression due to taking an old medication. It made me feel so bad, I couldn't even find music to fit my mood ...Past even feeling up to riding my bike, I didn't even have the energy to feel sorry for myself for not feeling up to riding it, or even the soundtrack to go along with my misery.

I don't remember a lot about the few weeks before starting having nausea as well, but after that I just took myself off the medication, but only because it didn't control my epilepsy either. I wouldn't recommend it without advice from your doctor.
I remember the day after the day I stopped the medication though...

I walked into class, it was Media in Sport or something. The sun was shining and I pulled my ipod out of my pocket. I went to an old song, that has almost always been my 'happy' song since I was at school, Space Cowboy - 'I Would Die 4 U'.
The people I walked past in the street must have thought I was a nutter. I was smiling away to myself for no reason whatsoever. I was just happy again.

It's hard to explain what's it's like when you come out the other side from dealing with depression, it's like waking up for the first time all over again. Some people have described it to me as shedding a skin, like you're fresh again and I can see what they mean. Others have described it as being like a caterpillar that's been in hibernation and has turned into a butterfly. I especially liked that description, it seemed a nice one, because the thing that came out of the situation with taking my Keppra medication, was that I learned about myself. So in a way I felt like I grew up a little more.

I don't know if it's the way my brain is wired... well I suppose it must be really, but I love music and it really changes my mood a lot of the time.
Getting rid of the Keppra and moving to a different medication gave me a new lease of life and while I don't seem to have strong memories of a lot of amazing things that have happened to me during my life, I do have a very strong one of riding my bike for the first time again after coming off my Keppra, ipod in my ears, listening to 'Halo' by Texas, flying down the hill to my lecture on my bike and feeling like I could take on the world.

I think sometimes we all need something to remember who we really are. It might be something special someone says to you, be it in person or through music, something making sense for you finally, a change of medication even...
For me it was my bike and Sharleen Spiteri singing, "she's so pretty, her hair is a mess...", which is something my mum would say to me! I got a strong powerful sense of happiness from it.

It reminded me of who I really was and I didn't recognise the person who was depressed. I got my mental strength back and without it...

...I don't think I could have got a degree.

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